Can we get personal for a sec? I almost died.

DISCLAIMER: I’ve used my fair share of hyperbole in my life and this will be no exception. I have no regrets. About this. I have no regrets about THIS. 

It’s almost Christmas. Holiday shopping is in full swing. I am in Barnes and Noble, the happiest place on Earth. I am also about to pee my pants. Is it excitement? Is it the grande caramel brûlée latte from the cafe? Who knows. What I do know is that I have birthed multiple children and no-one better tell me any funny jokes right now. 

Stay with me here. This IS important.

I make my way to the restroom and pick a stall. I’m wearing some trendy jeans (from the actual 90s) with some combination of buttons and zippers that work together to create an obstacle course to navigate. Anyway, at this point, I’m still standing, albeit inside the stall, fully clothed. A woman comes into the bathroom and does a move that I’ve been describing as a “shoulder check” on my stall door. The force of this hit is enough to take the very locked door and swing it open. 

Here’s where we take a moment to APPRECIATE that I am both standing and fully clothed.

It isn’t a big stall so the door hits my body and it prevents the door from opening fully. I push back on the door and hold it closed as she mumbles something about “so sorry…” No big deal. THIS is not the traumatic thing. Like I said, I have kids. I have been walked in on before. And also, I’m still about to pee on the floor. Priorities.

I finish up in the bathroom (without incident tyvm) and walk out to wash my hands. The woman who had busted into my stall was at the sink cleaning herself up. She had just obviously been sick and thrown up. 

People. Are you connecting dots? Have you caught up? Are you seeing it? My alternate reality? The one where someone uses a lineman move to break into the bathroom stall I was in to vomit into my lap? 

I don’t want to sound insensitive. That poor lady was having a terrible shopping trip. Still, somehow that isn’t the visual that has me staring off into space. I… almost had a stranger use my crotch as a bowl to puke in.

Merry Christmas, everybody!